I don’t doubt it

No Doubt had some pretty solid hits back in the glory days of the ‘90s, but I think there’s something better about the band than its music.

No Doubt had a strong name.

For years, I’ve struggled with this little beast called doubt. It’s so obnoxious. It comes out of nowhere and makes me think things that I don’t want or need to be thinking. And the worst part is that it makes me do really stupid things sometimes. I mean, I didn’t go to four colleges in four years simply because I was bored.

There are some situations in which such uncertainty is inevitable. If you’ve ever gone shopping without trying on the clothes before purchasing them, you know what I’m talking about. When you finally put those outfits on, you may doubt your purchases and suffer from buyer’s remorse in a big way because not everything looks as good on you as it did on the hanger or mannequin. It’s a painful reality.

I miss this

Even people who hung out with Jesus weren’t always so sure of their decisions—and at times when Jesus was right in front of them. Peter thought he was being really brave and making a good decision when he opted to try the whole walking on water thing. Then he saw some waves and realized how freakishly windy it was, and he suddenly started to question his decision. So, all you doubters out there, you’re not alone.

I often wonder why I have to doubt so much. Why can’t I just be comfortable with the choices I’ve made. I love my new job, and I know I was supposed to leave teaching. I’m 100 percent positive of it. Yet, even now, there are times I find myself asking, “Wait, did I do the right thing? Am I crazy for walking away from something I was so comfortable doing?” I know I did the right thing, and I know I’m not crazy for what I did. I’ve been confirmed in my decision in so many ways. So, why am I even thinking about questioning myself?

It doesn’t stop there. I even had recent doubts about my new church. I really like my new church and truly feel it’s where I belong, yet I entertain the thoughts of, “Should I really be here? Was I wise to leave somewhere I had been for so long?” It wasn’t just a rushed decision to leave—it was something I thought and prayed about a lot. Yet, I still questioned.

It gets worse. I recently made the decision to move, and I’m really happy about it. But then, the other day, I was walking from my parking garage to my apartment, thankful for the garage to keep me from getting wet from the rain, and suddenly felt really weird about moving next month. Why am I leaving somewhere I’ve been for more than two years now? Did I make the right decision not to renew my lease here and to commit to a year somewhere new? I know I did—I need to leave this place for so many reasons. And I want to.

As I was entering my apartment, something that I hate admitting hit me hard: I’m still afraid of change. I’ve tried for years to overcome this, but I’ve obviously got a ways to go. For me, this is where the doubt comes in—there’s uncertainty in the uncertainty. Like Peter, I want to make sure that the waves and winds aren’t going to bring me down, and I start to worry that my decisions weren’t the best ones.

I remember a few years ago when I had a crush on this guy and wanted him to go to a football game with me. I sent him a text to ask him (yes, I’m a pansy and couldn’t make an actual call), and as soon as it made its way through the texting solar system to his phone, I immediately started doubting my choice to ask him. I was uncertain about the uncertain. But even though he turned me down (he said he had chores to do on a Friday night), it was good that I sent it, because then I knew he wasn’t interested, and I could move on without having to wonder.

I don’t like doubt, and it’s definitely something I am trying to remove from my life. I’d rather trust in the uncertainties, as strange and uncomfortable as that may be.

Because there’s Someone who knows what’s ahead, and I don’t doubt that His plan is so much better than anything I could imagine.

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About Natalie

I love sports and romcoms. Two very important truths: Anything matches if you wear it with confidence, and there is never a wrong time to eat froyo.
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