When you realize that you’re worth fighting for yourself

If you ever were to ask me where a lot of my inspiration comes from, I’d tell you that it’s quite often from little kids.

They’re such geniuses and probably don’t even know it.

I was in Texas over the weekend for a visit with family and some friends I haven’t been able to see in a while. Much of my time was spent with my nieces—those two little girls have captured my heart more than I thought anyone ever could.

Olivia was excited to show off her food.

I babysat Olivia and Evie on Saturday night so that my brother and sister-in-law could have a nice date night out together. The girls and I watched football (we won’t discuss the outcome of the Cowboys game right now—it’s still too soon), and after Olivia saw me eating Wheat Thins with my dinner, she later grabbed the box and ate them while we were watching the game. I’ve clearly taught her well. Prior to the disaster that occurred at LA Memorial Coliseum that night, Olivia (who is almost 2 1/2) was playing with everything in site while Evie (a little more than 8 months) sat and watched in glee and occasionally attempted to crawl toward something—she’s SOOOO close to crawling!

At one point, Olivia was standing on the fireplace ledge and then squatted down. I’ve always told her to be careful whenever she gets up there (it’s not high from the ground at all, but she’s also still a tiny human), but that night, she looked over at me and said “I be careful. No get hurt. Dangerous.” It was as precious as you might imagine, and I told her that she was right.

Besties for life

The next morning, I was over at my brother’s and sister-in-law’s house again, and Olivia showed off her new talent (that I wasn’t expecting) of jumping off of the couch into my arms. Unlike the night before, there was zero hesitation—she got up on that couch and went for it, regardless of whether or not I was ready for her. I think she knew I would catch her, no matter what, so there was no fear there. There was security and comfort, which helped to increase her level of confidence. On Saturday night, though, she didn’t have me right there in front of her, and she knew what might happen if she tried to jump on her own.

If I were standing on that ledge, of course I would jump. Yes, it would probably technically be more of simply a step off, but still—there wouldn’t be any holding back or worrying about getting hurt. I’m confident that nothing would be likely to happen.

I started thinking about that while I was on my flight home Sunday afternoon and realized that those childlike tendencies don’t necessarily leave us when we become adults. We still seem to be able to jump when we know that there’s complete security, but we’re a lot more hesitant when we’re unsure of the outcomes ahead.

If I’m being perfectly honest, though, that’s not how I always want to live. Sure, there are certainly times when you shouldn’t just jump at something without thinking or considering the consequences and potential outcomes, but there are many times when it’s better (even if it is incredibly scary) to take chances and step into the unknown. For me, when I have those strong tuggings at my heart that are pushing me to do something that frightens the Capri Sun out of me—especially when I’m being taken out of my comfort zone—I try to remind myself that I’m not actually jumping off of a fireplace ledge onto the hardwood floor like a 2-year-old.

Because I do have Someone there who will catch me.

That doesn’t mean that every chance I take is going to end like I want it to end. I’ve had plenty of failures and broken hearts to remind me of that. But it does mean that, even when those setbacks and heartaches happen after making a risky jump, I know that I’m still going to be OK. Those things can’t defeat me, and I don’t need to let them try. My God is a lot stronger than that.

This girl has been through it all with me.

During middle school, high school, college, and even some of my 20s, I was the girl standing on the fireplace ledge who was afraid to jump. Unlike in Olivia’s case, though, there wasn’t any real physical danger for me—it was simply the risk of getting my heart hurt. I think my fear stemmed from the fact that a broken heart, for me, hurts far worse than any physical pain I could ever face (and I’ve endured quite a bit of physical pain). You know what, though? I’ve survived each heartache I’ve had, and I truly believe that I’m stronger because of it. I think that the trials we face in life have ways of building us and growing us in ways we might never have thought possible. We’re usually not grateful for them while we’re going through them, but hopefully we can look back at those times and know that they were part of our journeys—part of the paths we needed to take to get us to where we are today and help us to become the individuals we have become.

I hated the color of my rental car. Naturally, my dad wanted to take my pic in front of it.

I don’t know where you are in your life today. Maybe you’re standing on that fireplace ledge with more reservations than you can count. Or maybe you’re on that sofa and about to take a leap of faith. I’m rooting for it to be the latter, because I’m rooting for you.

You’re worth taking chances and doing the things that might make you a little queasy. You’re worth letting your heart feel deeply and love intentionally. You’re worth pursuing the passions that set your heart into motion. You’re worth running full force ahead toward your dreams. You’re worth the investment of time and energy. You’re worth being loved.

And you’re worth fighting for yourself.

When you don’t need an invite list

Even though an Evite email reminder or an invitation update sometimes seems like just another email to add an additional number inside the little red dot on your inbox icon, it’s actually so much more than that.

It’s a reminder that you’re loved.

When I was in the sixth grade (THE WORST), I was invited to a party that was mainly with those I considered to be the “cool” kids in my grade, and quite honestly, I was kind of surprised that I made the list. Being the shallow middle schooler that I was, I felt pretty great that I received an invite. (I seriously don’t like to think often about the person I was in those awful years, but I can’t change the past, so let’s just accept that I was immature and insecure and didn’t understand a thing about what it truly meant to love people.)

It’s nice to be invited places, isn’t it? I’ve gotten to the point in my life at which I have become comfortable inviting myself to join in on other people’s fun, which I’ve had to do a lot more of since moving to California almost a year and a half ago. I jokingly say that I quickly invade myself into people’s lives, but it’s kind of true, so maybe I’m not really joking. I mean, the first week I was here, I invited myself to church with a coworker and her husband. (But she’s one of my best friends now, so I’m glad I did.) And there have been so many other instances—both back in Dallas and out here—when I’ve asked if I could tag along to places or go over to people’s houses or join in on various events. I may or may not be my people’s own special version of Dennis the Menace (minus the troublemaker part) or that neighbor kid in Home Alone who mistakenly gets counted as Kevin in the van.

I think sometimes I forget, though, that not everyone is as intrusive as I am, and maybe I need to be better about making sure that I invite others when I set out to do things on my own. I recently hurt one of my favorite people in the world because I didn’t reach out and invite this person to experience parts of my life with me. When I’m not inviting myself places, I do pretty much everything on my own, and so I think I’ve maybe gotten too used to that for my own good that I forget that there are people who love me who want to do life with me. I need to remember that don’t have to be independent all of the time—it’s OK to invite people to walk alongside me in my journey every once in a while.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that feeling uninvited is a lot like feeling rejected. It makes you feel unwanted and like you weren’t even a thought in someone’s head. (Side note: If you haven’t read Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst, please put down whatever you’re reading right now, or pick up a book for the first time in ages, and READ THIS BOOK. SO good.) Being invited, on the other hand, creates the exact opposite feelings in your heart—you feel valued and loved and like you matter enough for someone to think about you specifically and then reach out to you to make sure that you’re there to experience the same things that person is about the experience.

Earlier this year, Beth, the first person I ever met at my church in the OC, mentioned having me over for dinner with her family when she heard that I didn’t have any plans on Easter. The following weekend on Easter Sunday, I didn’t see her at church and didn’t have her number, so I figured I’d just go home or go for a walk at the beach. But what did sweet Beth do? She got my phone number from someone else and texted me to remind me about the invite. I remember in that moment feeling like I wasn’t just another face at church on Sundays—I’m loved and known. It’s a wonderful feeling to be known and to know that there are genuine people in your life who want to know you and want to spend time with you. Maybe we all need some Beths in our lives.

Since moving to California, God has shown me and taught me so much about His sufficiency and who I am in Him. He’s reminded me in big ways just how loved I am and that I’m made complete and made worthy in Him. He’s reminded me that the invitation for His love and His grace is always there—there are zero exceptions. He’ll chase me down if He has to, but I never have to chase Him.

Because He’s always there with open arms and love to mend every hurt and every shattered piece of a broken heart. Always.

Don’t be afraid to invite yourself places. It doesn’t make you pathetic or desperate or fearful of being left out. It makes you brave to pursue people and love them well and also to make sure that you’re not doing life by yourself all of the time.

And don’t forget to invite others to come on adventures with you, too—even if an adventure is as simple as getting froyo or grabbing dinner or going for a walk.

Because we all need to be reminded of how loved we are every once in a while.

When you believe that crazy things aren’t so crazy

I love the honesty and genuineness that kids bring to pretty much any situation.

Even when their truthfulness stings.

I was asked to help out in the children’s ministry at church on Sunday morning, which I definitely didn’t mind. I lead a group of high school girls and sometimes speak for the junior high kids, so I figured I might as well work with the younger ones at some point, too. I love kids, so I knew it would be fun.

And apparently truth-telling, as well.

I was making bracelets with two sweet girls named Aubree and Riley and asking them questions about their lives. They liked saying how old they are, so more than once, Riley told me that she’s 7, and Aubree reminded me that she’s 8. When Riley asked me how old I am, I told her, and she replied with something that stung a little, mainly because I wasn’t expecting it.

“You’re older than my parents.”

Oy. When I used to babysit and teach swim lessons and work at a daycare center, the parents were always older than I was. It’s weird now working with kids who could easily be my kids or whose parents could be my younger siblings—or are even young enough that they could be my former students. (It’s crazy to think that some of my former students are in their late 20s or have already hit the big 3-0.)

Aubree then told me her parents’ ages—34 and 35, so at least I’m not completely ancient yet—and asked me if I have kids. I said no and that I wasn’t married, which was followed by what those precious little unfiltered mouths always seem to ask.

Aubs: Why aren’t you married?
Me: Just hasn’t happened yet.
Aubs: You should find a husband.
Me: Thanks for the advice. I’ll get right on that.

I believe in being yourself at all times, even if that means stopping to take pictures like this.

Honestly, I love the way kids’ minds work. They don’t necessarily always factor in logistics or reality—they simply believe that essentially anything is possible. I mean, take Jack, for instance. When I asked the kindergarteners and first graders what they want to be when they grow up, he said that he wants to be a “donut seller” and charge $20 per donut so that he can be rich. That’s ambition. That’s hope. That’s a dream. Granted, it’s not practical, and his likelihood of success with that price isn’t great, but he doesn’t care. Right now, to him, anything is possible, regardless of any outside factors.

What happens as we get older that makes us think that things are less likely to happen for us and to us? What is it that kids have that we don’t that allows them to let their hopes soar so high that they’re those high-in-the-sky-apple-pie hopes? Why do we lose that childlike faith as our age number ticks up a notch each year?

Here’s the thing, though: We don’t have to lose that kind of faith.

I haven’t accomplished all of the things in life that I’ve set out to accomplish. There are some goals I have that are floating out there that I still want so badly to become part of my story. For whatever reason, though, they aren’t yet. But that doesn’t mean that they never will be.

For Jack and Aubree and so many more of those kids, it’s so simple—you want something, and you’re going to make it happen. There are no doubts. There are no fears. There are no hesitations. There are no questions or anxieties or discouragements or logistics or factors or anything that we eventually start to use as determinations of whether or not the desires we have are practical enough or not.

For those believing kids, nothing matters but the fact that they know that something is possible, and that’s that.

It’s not too late to make your dreams realities. It’s not too late to set new goals. It’s not too late to become the person you’ve always wanted to be. If you want to be like Jack and be a donut seller and charge a ridiculous amount, you do you (and good luck to you).

Your story is just that—yours. You aren’t required to justify or make excuses or apologies to anyone else for being the person you are. So be you. Go after the desires of your heart. Love people in big ways without caring about what you’ll get in return.

And never let go of that childlike faith that once let you live more boldly than you ever knew you could.

Because your skills don’t define you

I know that it’s not good to compare myself to others, but I have to admit that sometimes I still let myself fall into that trap.

Especially when escape rooms and dog surfing competitions are involved.

I went to my first escape room last week, and I would like to commend the creator of these things because they’re definitely a unique way to have fun with a group of people. But I was running kind of late and was slightly frazzled when I got there, so I didn’t hear all of the instructions. When we were locked in the room, I sort of felt like I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but everyone else seemed to know what to do.

Clearly a room full of geniuses

People started finding clues right and left, while I sort of stumbled upon one or two by accident. At one point, I was just kind of walking around the room and feeling almost useless. I used to read a lot of Nancy Drew books, and I watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine on the reg, so I was a little disappointed to realize that the only really somewhat intelligent thing that I did was know that one of the clues meant that we needed to look through the peep hole of the door.

One thing that I did notice, though, was just how different each person’s skillsets were. Our brains are all wired differently, which isn’t a bad thing by any means. And that definitely proved to be a huge benefit for our group in the escape room because people’s different perspectives and thought patterns all collaborated well together.

We ended up making it out of the room with a little more than nine minutes to spare, and I quickly got over the fact that I didn’t feel like I did much because I looked around at the people surrounding me and couldn’t help but smile—they’re my people, and they love me whether I’m more of a Sherlock or a Watson (though I still think that I could be more like a Sherlock).

And not having certain skills doesn’t make you any less of a person.

I love this crew, and we love watching dogs surf.

Surfing dogs further reminded me of that over the weekend. I mentioned last year that I went to a dog surfing competition that essentially changed my outlook on life. Once again, this epic event didn’t disappoint. We watched the talented pups ride the waves in either with their owners or other dogs on their boards. It’s one of the most entertaining things you’ll ever see. One thing that I absolutely love about this competition is how much the dogs simply don’t care about what the people think of their performances—whether they stay on their boards all the way to the shore or crash and burn, they gleefully trot back on the sand and wag their tails, excited to go back out in the water for more runs.

Because they know that one setback or one flaw doesn’t mean that they’re not good enough.

She’s quickly become one of my best friends and favorite humans ever.

We all have our gifts and passions, and they’re not going to be the same as every else’s. And they shouldn’t be. There are many skills that I lack that I enjoy seeing other people have in abundance. I like knowing that my friend Amanda is always going to ask me the hard questions and make me address my feelings and emotions when I don’t want to. I love that my friend JP will sew up my shirt I put a hole in for me so that I don’t have to staple it. I appreciate that my friend Michelle could tell me about anything and everything going on in the political realm if I wanted to know. I’m thankful that my sister knows how to bake pies and stuff so that there are always enough dishes at Thanksgiving, and I can just show up empty-handed or with something store-bought.

Just because you can’t do something as well as someone else doesn’t mean that you aren’t capable of some pretty wonderful things yourself. (After all, it’s for the best that we’re not all lining up to be on The Voice.) Your skills matter, and they can be used in incredible ways if you’re not constantly focusing on the ones you don’t have, instead. So don’t forget to remind yourself every once in a while that you are talented, and you do bring value to others.

Because you’re capable of much more than you know when you actually believe that’s true.

When you realize that you’re not inadequate

I think we can all agree that being an adult is sometimes (or a lot of the time) tough.

Especially when you have to acknowledge self-improvements that you need to make.

I used to race a lot—like a lot. I think there was one year when I ran at least one road race a month, and three or four of those races were half marathons. I developed a love for running long ago, and there was something about racing that caused me anxiety in a good way but also helped grow my confidence in a number of ways, as well.

Then 2017 happened.

This will always be one of my all-time favorite racing memories—and all of my people were there for it (even sweet Olivia was there in Katie’s tummy).

At the end of 2016, I started to have weird (and pretty much constant) internal pain and frequently had blood in my urine (sorry if that’s TMI for you). I had been training for the half marathon that I ran every December in Dallas, and I was excited for it because I felt more confident than ever going into it. But around Thanksgiving that year, that pain I’d been having escalated. I ran the eight-mile Turkey Trot and didn’t do as well as I’d hoped, and a large reason for that was because I was in so much pain.

When I woke up the morning of the half marathon, I could barely walk and knew the race was out of the question. I later went to multiple doctors, and months went on before it was finally determined that I needed to have kidney surgery. I had a total of three kidney surgeries in 2017, which meant that racing was, to quote John Crist, a “for sure no.” There were quite a few periods of time that year when I was thankful if I was even able to run—it’s certainly not easy or pleasant when you have a stent in you.

It’s been a tough journey since then, and it’s not like those surgeries ended all of my issues with kidney stones. Though I’ve been able to train much more than I did last year, I haven’t been racing at all, and I’m honestly nervous about getting back out there.

Amanda has become one of my best friends, and I love that she always speaks truth and asks me how my heart is.

My dear friend Amanda and I were talking about this the other day and why I feel such a need to do well when I race. Aside from just being a competitive person, why is it so important for me to feel accomplished when I cross the finish line? We talked about it for a bit, and it definitely runs deeper than simply wanting to win or achieve my goals. (By the way, Amanda is freaking amazing, and if you ever need a life coach or counselor/sage, she’s your girl.)

I started thinking about this more later that day, and it became pretty clear: In the past, I let winning races or running fast times make me feel like I was enough. There are more than a few areas of my life in which I don’t always feel like I’m adequate—I had a really rough time in college and trying to figure out where I belonged; I’ve had multiple careers and don’t always feel like I’m excelling in them; I’m 33 and am just now in the process of getting a passport (meaning, I’ve never even left the country); I’ve never been in a relationship, which certainly makes me feel like a failure in more ways than one; and so many other things. But when I crossed those finish lines and had accomplished what I set out to accomplish, I was good enough. When I didn’t, I wasn’t.

My friends, those were lies.

It’s great to have goals and passions and to pursue those goals and passions, but it’s also good to realize that you aren’t going to hit the bullseye every single time you aim for it. One day last week, I cut a tag out the side of the inside of my dress because it was really bothering my leg. But when I cut it, it was even pokier and worse. So I cut it where it was threaded in, and the next thing I knew, there was a hole in the side of my dress. I don’t have an emergency sewing kit (and, even if I did, I wouldn’t know how to use it), so I stapled my dress. I also spilled a large amount of water—not once but twice—all down the front of that same dress on that very same day. And those were the good things that happened that day. Obviously, I was killin’ it in life. But I survived the day, and I wasn’t less of a person because of it, just like I won’t be less of a person if I run a race and am slower than I want to be.

You just have to take one look at my hair to see how much of a mess I am. But that’s just part of my story.

Here’s the thing: It doesn’t matter how many races I’ve won. It doesn’t matter how successful I’ve been in my career. It doesn’t matter how many dresses I’ve ripped holes in trying to cut out tags. It doesn’t matter how many staples I’ve used trying to patch them back up. It doesn’t matter how many dates I’ve had (or, in my case, haven’t had). It doesn’t matter how many guys have looked my way. None of those things holds value in my worth. I can’t let deferred hopes or unattained goals make me feel like I’m not good enough.

Because I am enough—just as I am. I was made in the image of Christ, and I don’t have to be someone else or put a bunch of W’s in the win column. I don’t have to pursue this type of perfection that I’m never going to obtain. I’m going to lose. I’m going to rip clothes. I’m going to have my heart broken. It’s just part of life.

But it doesn’t change my worth.

At the Brett Eldredge concert at the OC Fair, there was a sign that said “TEXAS-SIZED,” so I obviously had to take a picture in front of it.

I might be in love with Brett Eldredge. I’ve always loved his music, but I recently saw him in concert, and I fell hard for him. He has a song called “Somethin’ I’m Good At,” and he mentions a ton of things that aren’t really parts of his skillset, but he is able to love well and put a smile on the face of the girl in the song who has captured his heart. I’d like to be like that—if I fail at all other things in this world, I would like to be able to love people well. I won’t always be capable of doing everything I want in life, but I can always show love to others. We all can. People need love, and they need to know that they are enough.

And so do you.

The hope for the future

It’s not fair to make assumptions about people before getting to know them.

Even assumptions about high school and college kids.

I’ve always kind of been an advocate for young people, pretty much ever since I was one. I told myself I wouldn’t grow up to be one of those adults who looks at teenagers and says, “Kids these days!” or something of the sort. And, for the most part, I feel like I still have that same attitude I did back in the day.

While I taught high school for seven years, I was able to interact with a bunch of those individuals I always promised to defend. I learned a lot about them—and a lot from them. I think it’s easy to forget that we can actually gain wisdom from people who are younger than we are. I know it’s a crazy thought, but we still don’t know everything we think we do as grownups. It’s a painful reality I deal with daily. And, even now that I’m removed from the everyday high school world, I still believe that some of the most promising individuals aren’t even old enough to buy alcohol or have their own health insurance.

From an adult standpoint, it’s really easy to look at younger people—including college kids—and be instantly annoyed. They’re too loud. They’re immature. They overreact about everything. They’re selfish. They gossip too much. They’re not independent enough. They don’t care about others.

I can tell you right now that, not only are those assumptions not always accurate about everyone in that age range, but a lot of those things are true—at least at some point in time or another—of just about any human who ever existed. I’m loud at times. I sometimes act like I’m still in high school. I’ve overreacted once or twice (or more, whatever). I’m not always selfless like I wish I could be. I’ve said not-so-nice things about others. I sometimes still ask my parents for help (I mean, my dad drove me to my race—and even the expo the day before—last weekend). I try to put others first but sometimes fail. Perhaps you can relate, too.

But people still give us chances we don’t deserve—and even the younger ones should get the same.

my girlz
They are all taller than I am now

My teaching career led me to some of the relationships I value most in my life. There’s a handful of girls I was able to teach for their entire high school careers, and I am now lucky enough to act as their mentor/friend as they make their journeys through college and into the “real world.” One is even about to enter in her last semester ever and has a pretty little engagement ring on her finger. (How the heck did time pass this quickly?!) I cherish the times I get to spend with them and consider it an honor that they devote time to spend with me when they come home on their breaks. We keep up through texts, emails and phone convos the rest of the year, and those regular communications really are so important to me—because those girls are important to me. They are years younger than I am, but they teach me so much every single day.

They know what it means to love. They know what it means to serve. They know what it means to trust. They know what it means to work their a$*es off. They know what it means to chase dreams. They know what it means to celebrate successes. They know what it means to learn from failures. They know what it means to experience heartbreak. They know what it means to be judged. They know what it means to feel scared. They know what it means to be brave. They know what it means to care. They know what it means to be independent. They know what it means to forgive.

And they know what it means to show the world that there is no age limit to being someone who can truly change others’ lives for the better.

There’s Hannah, who is the epitome of persistence. She has a genuine heart for others and doesn’t give up on people (including herself) ever. Her selflessness continues to inspire me as she puts her passion to use.

There’s Courtney, who shared a first day of high school with me (hers as a student, mine as a teacher). She’s one of those people who will support you through everything and make you smile every chance she gets. She’s solid through and through. If we had grown up together, we would have been best friends for sure. She’s become one of the most confident and caring people I know, and she understands and appreciates the things about me that some people think are weird.

There’s Fritzy, who has one of the kindest hearts of anyone you will ever meet. Ever. I don’t think she knows how to be mean. It’s not in her DNA. She has the biggest heart for individuals with special needs, and I admire how adamantly she is pursuing a career in that field. She has become a strong leader in so many areas of her life, and she continues to amaze me with her wisdom and understanding of things that people generally assume those her age don’t know.

There’s Anna, who never fails to let me know when she uses her AP style skills in college. She has shown over the years how valuable her creativity is, and I’ve enjoyed seeing her put it to such great use. She also really knows how to show people in her life how much they mean to her. She’s the keeper friend you want in your life.

There’s Kelsey, who has seriously transformed in a number of ways since I met her in her freshman year of high school. She’s a college sophomore now and might be the best definition of a Jesus feminist I know (along with her sister, Courtney, of course). If you want to sit down and have a quality heart-to-heart and talk about all things life and guys and dreams and fears and Taylor Swift, then you should go get froyo or coffee with her.

There’s Bennett, who will always be my “running daughter.” I can’t even express how proud I am of her. She has overcome so much and has become the kind of person I would want my own daughter (if I had one) to be. Her independence and assurance of who she is are things I hope other young women see in her and become inspired by. When she is grateful for you, she lets you know—and does so in a way that touches your heart and makes you want to cry, even when you’re not sure you have tear ducts that function. She’s a gem in every sense of the word.

I don’t think we should overlook people because of their ages. Younger people are going to be adults someday, and some of them act more like adults than real grownups, anyway. The thing is, they’re people—just like you and me. We were once younger, and I know I didn’t want people giving up on me or treating me like I was an annoyance just because I was a certain age. All people deserve to feel valued. All people deserve to be loved. And all people deserve to know that they matter.

And that’s something I learned from a bunch of high schoolers who will always hold a special place in my heart.

A Letter to Young Women

I’m not a very emotional person, but every once in a while, something really gets to me and makes me want to cry.

Like when high schoolers are trying to be adults too soon.

I was at Target the other day and overheard a conversation between two teenage girls that broke my heart a little bit. It made me want to write a letter to all young women. So I did.

Dear little beauty,

I know everything feels like such a big deal right now, but it actually is all a big deal—just in a different way than you think. It’s not that a Tweet without enough favorites will be the end of the world, but the decisions you make today might be bigger than you imagine.

big possibilites
Truth

Guys are wonderful. They really are. But they are also complete disasters. If one of them doesn’t like you back, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means that picture-perfect idea of the two of you together really isn’t that perfect. It’s not meant to be. Eat some ice cream, and let it go.

I know we already decided that guys are wonderful (while simultaneously being disasters), but I promise they aren’t so wonderful that you need to give anything to them before you’re ready. I don’t feel the need to be more specific than that. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. And if you think you want to do something, really think about if you actually want to do it. You might find you don’t want to.

It’s not nice to make fun of people or to say bad things about them behind their backs (or to their faces). This might sound weird, but you will actually feel better about yourself and life in general when you are kind to people. There’s a peace that comes along with love.

Your parents are not gifts of torture to you. They might actually be really cool grownups. Yes, some people really are in bad family situations and don’t have parents who serve as the best role models and support systems, but if you’re lucky enough to have parents who care about you, it’s not required in the adolescent behavioral handbook (which, to my knowledge, doesn’t actually exist in print anywhere) that you act like you hate your parents. When you’re an adult and practically best friends with them (OMG—the thought is so terrifying!), you will be sad you wasted so many years trying to rebel against them when they were, in actuality, simply trying to do what was best for you.

I’m not going to go into a tremendous amount of detail on this, but drugs can kill you. Alcohol can also kill you. Most drugs are illegal. Underage drinking is illegal. Temporary escapes from reality just aren’t worth it.

I know this is a crazy thought, but your teachers actually care about you. I can say this with certainty because I was a teacher. And I deeply cared for my students. I still do. Every.single.one. Teachers don’t have the easiest gigs in the world, and you don’t know what battles of their own they have to face on a daily basis. They don’t want you to fail, and it will surprise you how stuff they instilled in you will pop up later in your life in beneficial ways. It’s heartwarming.

Sometimes it’s hard to find friends you can genuinely trust. Even as an adult, you meet people who aren’t necessarily the individuals you thought they were. But there are some who are gems—they’re the ones who stick with you through the toughest times in your life and the best times in your life. They’re the ones who don’t judge you or make you feel like you have to be someone you aren’t.

Here’s the bottom line: you’re special. You don’t have to be like other people. You don’t have to try so hard to fit in or stand out. You’re wonderful as you were made.

You are valued. You are loved. And you matter.

Life doesn’t magically become some utopia when you enter the real world and become an adult. There’s still gossip. There are still pressures. There are still guys who will break your heart. There are still guys whose hearts you will break. There are still friends who aren’t really good friends. There are still temptations and bad decisions.

But the sooner you realize your worth, the stronger you’ll be when you have to take on anything life hands you.

God didn’t make any mistakes when He created you, and you don’t have to change who you are to please other people. You can achieve so many things. You can dream big dreams and not let people shoot them down. You can be confident and not care what other people think or say about you.

It’s OK to be you. It’s OK to say “no” to people. It’s OK to hang out with your family. It’s OK to wait to date or kiss or be in a relationship. It’s OK not to rush through life. It’s OK to wear clothes that didn’t cost a lot of money. It’s OK to fail sometimes. It’s OK to forgive people who hurt you. It’s OK to ask for grace when you hurt others. It’s OK to show love to people you don’t think deserve it. It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to be brave.

And it’s OK to grow up in your own unique way.

I’m rooting for you—I know how you feel, sister.

LOVEloveLOVE,

Someone who understands

The pressures caused by labels

Labels are great for some things, like moving boxes and folders in file cabinets; labels are not great for other things.

Like people.

Obviously I take things a bit more slowly than a lot of people (I mean, I didn’t even have my first kiss until I was 27), but I can’t help but feel like sometimes things just move way too fast in relationships—and perhaps faster than some individuals want them to. As a high school teacher, I see it far too often in the lives of teenage girls. They want attention from the guys so badly, and they tend to rush things. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve seen cry or have looks of pain on their faces simply for giving their first kisses away to guys who ended up casting them to the side the next week.

And it breaks my heart every single time.

I was watching a rerun of “FRIENDS” the other day—and, let’s be real, this is a show I have loved and watched religiously since its first season—and I couldn’t help but be a little upset with what I heard. Now, I know this show is pretty well known for having people sleep around quite often, but I guess I didn’t really fully grasp that concept when I was younger. I thought it was more just part of the show and not something that actually happened in real life. (Obviously I learned the truth later.) It was the episode in which we see what the characters’ lives would have been like if they had all taken different paths. Rachel is talking to Monica and exclaims, “Oh my God, you’re a 30-year-old virgin!”

Wait, what’s wrong with that?

Monica gets uncomfortable with admitting it and also afraid that other people around them heard. (By the way, it’s still so weird for me to think that their characters were the age I am now. Watching the show back then, they always seemed so grown up. I guess that makes me a grown-up now? So.strange.) And Monica suddenly really wants to get rid of the label of still being a virgin at that age.

And I still wonder why we worry about the pressures from others for decisions that should be completely our own.

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You’re different for a reason

I see nothing wrong with a person being a virgin at 30. Or 40. Or whatever age. I hate that both women and men feel like they have to have sex or do a number of other things in life simply to validate themselves. (I’m not saying that’s why people have sex. I’m saying that’s why some people have sex before they truly want to.)

Honestly, I don’t think I was ready to give my kiss away, but I did. You know why? I got wrapped up in the moment and thought that if I pulled away and didn’t let him kiss me that he wouldn’t care for me anymore. Well, it turns out he actually didn’t care for me as much as I’d hoped, anyway. And don’t tell me, “It’s just a kiss.” To me, it was more.

I’m definitely not judging anyone. I am looking at this more from a broken heart standpoint—I truly hurt for the girls I know who have given themselves away before they really wanted to. And I hurt even more when I know the emotional pain they went through when those guys didn’t turn out to be the forever loves they might have thought they would be.

You are valued. You are loved. And you matter. I will continue to keep this as my mantra and share it with people, because I want everyone to know that it’s true. It’s true of you. Your worth isn’t found in another person or anything you do with that person. Your worth isn’t found in accolades or titles or awards. Your worth isn’t found in how much money you make. Your worth isn’t found in what you’ve done and by what age.

I’m not perfect. I never will be. I mess up so much that it’s ridiculous. I’ve tried to find my worth in other things in the past, but I always come up short. People have let me down; jobs have let me down; my accomplishments have let me down when I realized they didn’t mean as much as I thought they did; running has let me down; ESPN has let me down (I hate admitting that); cities have let me down.

But Jesus has never let me down. I don’t know why He continues to care so much after all I do wrong, but for some reason He still loves me.

And that’s why I don’t want to concern myself with so many of the various labels I could allow myself to be given by others. I’ve got some more meaningful labels that overshadow those, anyway.

Valued. Loved. Matter.

And so do you.

As you are

You have to be careful with mirrors.

Because they don’t always tell the truth.

Last week, a student walked into my classroom before school for tutorials one morning, and the first thing she said to me was, “Merrill, please don’t look at me. I don’t have any makeup on.” This isn’t the first time I’ve heard someone say something similar to this, and I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why girls and women feel like they have to be wearing makeup in order for their appearances to be presentable.

That belief is completely false.

I’m not going to say that there is anything wrong with makeup. Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not fun and useful for other people. But, I do have a problem with women not feeling like they are beautiful enough when they don’t have any on. Looking different doesn’t mean looking ugly.

A few years ago, one of my coworkers was selling Mary Kay products on the side, and she invited me to an event of some sort. I really didn’t want to go, but she asked me about it more than once, and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to support her endeavors for one evening. I hadn’t realized that everyone in attendance would be applying makeup and learning various techniques, such as something called “smoky eyes” that I still can’t comprehensively explain. At one point, the woman leading the demonstration came over to me with a concerned look on her face. I let her know that I never wear makeup and don’t even know how to put it on, and she frowned a little and said, “You should probably go wash your face off and come back and start over again.” I went to the restroom, washed my face off, then went home.

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Baby, you’re a firework

Prior to when we had actually started trying to make “smoky eyes” and whatnot, I had looked around the room at all of the women there with me. Each one was so different and so unique in her own way. They all looked like they already knew how to put on makeup, because from what I could tell they were all already wearing it, but I’ll bet you anything that they would all look fine without it.

I just wish they all knew that.

One woman who had been sitting next to me was rather shocked when she heard me tell the other woman that I didn’t know how to put on makeup. She told me that she could never be brave enough to go out in public with her face “undone” and that I am lucky that I don’t need it–but I’m not lucky at all, because no one actually needs it. A lot of women don’t realize how pretty they are naturally simply because they are so used to wearing makeup. No makeup doesn’t mean ugly–it means different but still just as lovely. Most guys don’t wear makeup, and we don’t suggest that they need to. So why do women feel like they have to wear it to look their bests?

In the great 2004 movie A Cinderella Story (which somehow got left out of Oscar contention), Sam (Hilary Duff) is afraid to reveal her true identity to Austin (Chad Michael Murray), because he is one of the popular kids, and she is not. Sam is afraid that who she is simply isn’t good enough for Austin. But, at the end of the movie, she finds a new boldness and stands up for herself, and Austin realizes he loves the real Sam. She didn’t need to be wearing her mask and in an extravagant gown to catch his eye again–she was enough as she was. (I apologize if I just ruined the entire movie for you. You should still watch it.)

And you are enough as you are.

I love Colbie Caillat’s song “Try.” If you have a few minutes, you should listen to it and watch the video. It contains such a wonderful message that so many of us, man or woman, need to hear. You don’t have to look a certain way to feel valued. It’s OK if you like to get dressed up or wear makeup, but it’s also just as acceptable to be seen when you aren’t looking like you just stepped out of a magazine ad. The people who matter in your life are going to love you regardless of what you look like, and you should love yourself just the same. I think everyone is beautiful without makeup.

At the end of the day, you have to take makeup off, anyway. There’s nothing wrong with wearing it, but don’t be afraid to be without it. You can feel confident and beautiful with makeup, but you can also feel confident and beautiful without makeup. Either way, it doesn’t change the individual you are.

Because you are enough as you are.